On the Subject of Lifestyles

I think I’ve figured out how good guys go bad.

So, for the past month or I’ve tried to really embrace the whole single dude, lone wolf thing that so many people my age have been doing for a few years now. I’ve always been looking at that life style from the vantage point of being in a relationship and as such always scoffed at their way of life. Now that I’ve lived in, and experienced quite a bit in such a short and concentrated amount of time, my views on it are radically different.

Like I’ve said before, living this lifestyle is dangerous because I’ve seen so many “good” guys turn into, well douchebags for lack of a better word, buying to much into the hook up culture. However, I no longer damn them like I use to, as this lifestyle has an interesting effect on a person.

Starting off, everything seemed great, no commitments, good solid cheap fun and minimal work involved. You get to meet tons of new people and new girls, and the challenge and excitement of the chase and eventual catch is quite addictive. Nevertheless, this is where the problems begin.

Once you get on a bit of a hot streak, you start to buy into your crap, you start believing the lines you say about yourself and you start to buy into the fake lines that are feed back to you by all the different girls you are spending time with, which only adds to your confidence level, turning you further into the suave “lone wolf”. As time went on, I found myself loosing more and more of my touch with these girls, to a point where I really wasn’t caring about anything other than the challenge and the self serving nature of our interactions. I have now become exactly the guy I’ve always hated and swore I would never end up being like.

What does that mean for me right now, well it means that in all these encounters I wound up with a girl that has serious feelings for me, someone who wants me around more often than not and I really couldn’t care less for this girl. I’ve become that heartbreak that I’ve met before, and I know how this going to go down, albeit this will be the first time for me to be the heartbreaker. That’s not to say that I don’t feel bad about this situation, but if I never heard from this girl again I probably wouldn’t even notice. My Muse warned me that since I felt that way to begin with that I never should have gotten involved with her, and as its always the case when she gives me advice, she was right. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to explain to this girl that getting involved with me is going to end badly for her, that she’s going to get hurt and that I’m not ready to be seriously involved with someone, with limited success. The best I got in the end was an understanding of the reality and a “I don’t care” response from her; she really likes me enough to throw caution to the wind and hope for the best with me. I remember that feeling well, I’ve done it before, and I also know that its going to hurt her when I eventually slip out of her life, like I’m doing right now. I don’t know if slowly and silently is any better or worse, but I’m just at such a loss with this situation that I don’t really have the motivation to do anything else.

However, as bad as this situation is, it’s not indicative of how I’m feeling personally, as I have been flying on cloud 9 for over a week now. Funny how the weather really seems to have a serious effect on my moods; the second the sun came out and stayed out, I don’t think I’ve had a bad day since. The end of school was extremely stressful as I was worried about exams, money, my living situation and the possibility of moving home for the summer to run away from my problems.

Somehow though, everything seemed to fall into place last week as I was offered full time hours and a shot at a raise at work, I found a new place to live for the summer (its really just a bed in a basement but its cheaper than where I’m living right now, and its not with my over dramatic roommates I have right now) and I started developing a new serious friendship with one of the sweetest couples I’ve ever met. During the week I took a long hard look at my life and realized that I was finally living it according to my rules, I was starting to create the culture I’ve been striving to have around myself for a year and I realized that I have allot to be happy about and to look forward to this summer.

Then something amazing happened. My new friend began talking to her best friend about me, trying to stoke a fire underneath her about me in the hopes that she would become interested in, as I was being billed as the nice guy she’s been looking for and needs. When I first heard of this, I was very thankful and flattered, but didn’t take it seriously as I’ve never really seen that work out for myself and was still kinda enjoying the loner lifestyle.

However, at some point last week, after my friend had showed her best friend a few more pictures of me, she quickly added me on FB and proceeded to chat me up. It started out as awkwardly and cute as it could have, as we both knew that our mutual friend was meddling. What I didn’t see coming though was how quickly we began to become interested in each other and the amount of things we had in common. Within a few days we were talking at length, with such a copious amount of flirting, that I thought I might even be going a bit overboard on it. However, to my surprise and joy, she can’t get enough of my goofy, over the top obnoxious flirting and she has thrown just as much back at me.

Nevertheless, this is where I’ve started to get scared. This seems almost too good to be true, that someone this cute, good looking, funny and sweet could be this interested me and for me to be this excited about. This has happened before and as it is the case with my luck it didn’t work out for me in the end. But the more I talk to this girl, the more interested I become and I’m starting to sense that if things continue down this path I’m going to fall in love again, and its going to be hard again.

For now, I’m just trying to play it as cool as possible and just keep being myself. The skills I’ve learned from being a douchbag guy can be used for some good, and I don’t my confidence level has ever been this high, so I’m just trying to run with it. The other part of me is hoping and praying that this weekend back home with her goes as well as it can, and that perhaps I’ve met my next girlfriend and that I’ve got a whole new relationship to look forward too.

On the Subject of Benches

“Don’t worry about anything other than school, we don’t want you worry about anything else.”

That was the message I found on my phone this afternoon after I had called home and despite my best efforts to hide my inner feelings, my Mom always seems to know how I’m feeling; There are just a few people in this world that I can’t seem to lie to, no matter how hard I try sometimes.

I also can’t seem to lie at all when I’ve had a few drinks or drags, and when people ask me about myself I can’t seem to stop, even when I fight to keep my mouth shut, these people never seem to let things go.

She asked me why I feel the way I do, why I still am heartbroken, why I hate so much about my surroundings, friends, life, and self, and as I sat there being more honest than I really should have I got that feeling I hate to get. That feeling of realizing how “lame”, for lack of a better word, I sound when I talk about my hang ups, the roots of my depression.

But this girl said something I hadn’t heard before; after I was done explaining my heartbreak over my Queen, my self loathing, my self worth issues and my choice to stop letting people in, to hide my heart from the world, she explained that she didn’t think it was pathetic or “lame”. Rather, she thought it was just very sad that this is where I’m at. She explained that she couldn’t understand staying in that position and she thought that is must be very lonely where I am.

I suppose she’s right. I am very sad, I feel alone everyday, I feel like that I may never feel confident like I use to feel oh so many years ago, I feel that this pain might never go away, or that I might never let it go away and I don’t know why I would do that.

Maybe I’m just petty. I gave my sandwich away to someone, I gave it all away because I thought that it was the right thing to do, and I was more than willing to, I was happy to. But I didn’t really get a sandwich back, I got to have a few bites of her sandwich, but she was only willing to share a bit, she wasn’t ready to give me her sandwich. And as hard as that was/is to live with, I think the hardest part of all of this was having someone give me back my sandwich. To give so much of me to one person, to have them enjoy it for awhile, enjoy the best parts of it and to give it back after they were done with it hurt me in a away I never have quite figured out how to deal with.

So that’s why I’ve decided to put my sandwich back into my lunchbox, to hide my heart away from the world, from the people in it and let it heal and rest for awhile. I’m not willing to share that with anyone right now who I’m not completely sure won’t hurt me, and that’s also the catch of all this, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

So instead of trying to fight this feeling, this stage of my life, I think I’m just going to sit down on the bench on the roadside of life for awhile. I’m going to sit down, rest my feet, take in my surroundings and let the world just kind of pass me by for awhile. I’m tired of lying and trying to be something for somebody, I’m tired of worrying about how I’m going to hurt other people because I’m broken. I really just want to be left alone for awhile, to be with my thoughts.

I’ll be back eventually, but for now I just want to learn “How to Disappear Completely”.

On the subject of Smiles

“Would you smile for me, if I told you I was wrong?”

A movie quote that I have no doubt will grow in popularity in the years to come, but for now I’ll leave it up to you to find out where its from and when you do the context and meaning I’m using it in.

Regardless, the quote in of itself is striking given the context of heartbreak. I remember when I heard this line, my mind quickly replaced the two characters on screen with me and my Queen. The exact roles of who said what to who is a bit too ethereal to explain; the point being though an image of this exchange taking place in one form or another appeared in my mind’s eye.

My mind jumped straight to the many memories I have of being face to face with my Queen, watching her look up at me with a smile that I will remember for the rest of my life, and with eyes that seems as sad as they did happy. I always felt that when she would smile at me, it was if the sun was shining just for me.

I like remembering those smiles.

No one has ever looked at me like that before or after her, and not wanting to get into what that means, I just like to remember that at least once in my life so far I was able to feel truly loved and appreciated, if only in those quick fleeting moments.

As you’ve no doubt notice, it would appear as if I’ve taken a couple of steps backwards and are thinking about my Queen with alarming detail and regularity, and in this past week, nothing could be more true.

As indicated with my entry a week ago, I had been seeing a bit more of my Queen recently, and our interactions had been weighing heavily on my mind. I believe it was those thoughts that have sent me down this dark path once again. Despite a year of growth and change, my feelings for my Queen have in a sense, refused to change. I still feel very confident in saying that if she was to approach me and say “Would you smile for me, if I told you I was wrong?” I would.

What has changed though, are my feelings concerning my feelings I have for her.

No longer do I feel entitled to pity and sympathy, no longer do I think of ways to change her mind and no longer do I feel comfortable having those feelings for in spite of the way things have happened.

What I feel now is anger, frustration and cheated.

Part of me is infuriated that she acts so closely and intimately with me as a friend; that she seems to be picking the best parts of me to have for herself in a way where she has no responsibility to reciprocate. (I remember though that unless I explain these concerns to her, I have no right to be angry as I know that she is rather oblivious to the finer points of relationships, and that not everyone knows how to handle my heart)

The other part of me however, just wants to stop feeling this way. This part of me just wants to stop seeing her, to stop talking to her, to stop being involved in the life I created around her and her/our friends; this other part of me just wants to forget the pain that comes with not being with her.

So “where do we go from here ?“, a question best posed by one Dawn Summers. I have been here before, feeling this way and while I want to say that this time is different, I get the feeling that the objective observer would disagree with me.

That being said, if at first you don’t succeed, try again…right? So I’m going to give it another shot to step away from my Queen and the people that surround her, and I really want to make it stick this time.

On the Subject of Growth

Recently I have become very interested in the people I consider friends these days, acquaintances or those people that I hang out with. I’m sure there is a saying that explains that a person’s character can be judged from those people that surround them, and in a sense, I think that is very true.

So when I look around at the people in my life, the people that I’ve surrounded myself with, I begin to wonder what I’m doing with these people sometime. I found this to be most noticeable when inviting people over in the coming week for drinks in honour of my birthday. Looking at the list of people I invited over I realized that most of my friends don’t know each other and since many of them hail from many different scenes, there is a good chance that many of them would not be able to enjoy each others company for a variety of different reasons.

What I noticed was that this phenomenon speaks directly to my split personality I’ve talked about before, boiling down to the fact that certain “friends” allow me to act out on certain aspects of myself, the “normal” and historical Devin, and other friends allow me to act my other personality, the newer more “alternative” Poet. Furthermore, what I realized was that some of the most important people in my life, both those who I’ve known for years and even those who I may have only recently met aren’t here and that maybe that’s why I feel so lost these days.

So it begs the question “which side of me is the real me?” Is it possible that I am merely in a transition phase in my life, that perhaps I’m merely shaping myself currently and parts of my old self and fading while new parts are growing and a strange mixed hybrid. Mostly I’m simply relegating myself to being patient and hope that things will become clearer as time goes on and I continue to address and analyze myself and those people around me.

¾ complete or ½ complete person:

Since this entry is a collection of my most prevalent thoughts these days I thought I’d have a brief section on my thoughts concerning myself. I remember sitting on the bus heading downtown, I believe it was, thinking about a conversation my Muse had with me awhile back. She explained that if I was ever going to be able to make a relationship work, to make another person truly happy, that I would need to strong on my own, a complete person before I entered into a relationship less I cause issues within said relationship due to my own inabilities to make myself happy.

In a sense, I believe she is right. You ought to be able to be happy on your own or else when you do enter into a relationship you will becoming dependant on that person for your wellbeing and it is a fact that there will be times where you need to be able to take care of yourself and if you don’t have that ability you will fall, and quite possible fall quite hard.

That being said though, I feel as if myself isn’t quite complete without a partner or at the very least a few select people that I love and trust more than any others. So I wonder if it’s a fact of my being that I won’t ever feel “complete” unless I have that, is it possible for me to be “complete” sans relationship? Currently I believe that I just work better as someone’s partner as it gives my life an extra set of directions to follow and I do tend to enjoy certain rules and structures.

Growth with My Queen:

Over a year later and I still have things to say about my Queen. I wonder if she’ll ever not be apart of my life and more recently I’ve been craving to have her out of my life completely. That being said, things between us currently are the best they’ve been since I can remember. That being said I find it very interesting as to why things are going the way they are currently. I don’t know why, but we are just very comfortable around each other these days, cuddly even. If you were to see us around town, I’m very sure that you would assume that we are dating. Maybe its because of our history, the fact that we were together for three years, maybe its because we are just very comfortable with each other or maybe its that we both feel very strongly about each other. That being said, I find it interesting that we are acting the way we are. Why now? What has, if anything changed between us? Is this heading anywhere? Are we walking a narrow line, risking the temptation of falling into old patterns? Are we on the road to reunion? Or is she telling the truth when she says that she cares about me, that she really does want me to be apart of her life as her close friend?

I just don’t know and given the absolute shit storm that was the past year between us, part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Moreover, in all of this thought, the question comes to mind of what I want out of this relationship with her. When I think about this I don’t have the quick answers that I sue to have about her, and that scares me in a way because I’ve always had such a clear idea of what I want from her, and maybe its just me growing up and moving on, but change does and probably will always freak me out a little bit.

On the Subject of Baggage

I think what my Uncle told me a few months ago, when I was at my worst, spinning out of control wishing to just run away, that no matter where you go, you’ll always have to unpack your baggage when you get there. Here I am, sitting at home, still dealing with the same shit I ran away from, if only for a few days.

I don’t really have anything in particular that I’m really here to talk about tonight, I just feel lousy. The more time I spend back home the more I realize that this isn’t really home anymore, or at least, its not where my life is. I have a few friends left here, but where are in such different places in our respective lives that we’ve lost touch in a sense. During high school, everyone knew everyone and knew exactly what was going on in everyone’s life, or as close as the gossip got. We were all in it together, living our lives together.

I thought University would be the same, and I suppose in some regards it is, at least with those closest to myself, my roommates in particular. But I don’t have the ties with them that I had with the people I use to know, and the most important people in my life are scattered all over the place, in different provinces and cities. I suppose I just really miss my closest friends more than I thought I would.

I’m going to bury my head for one more day, enjoy the company of my parents, spend a day in my hometown city, taking in all the positive energy I can take and then get ready for the most interesting summer I think I’m going to have in a long time.

On the Subject of Frustration

How can I not be frustrated by not having what I want the most in life? In most situations, people would tell me to simply go out and get what I want, focus on achieving your goals, because you won’t be happy unless you go after what you want. In most cases, this is the advice anyone close to you will give you, and they’ll encourage you to do so.

However, it seems that when it comes to relationships, or partners, this prevailing type of advice does not apply.

Time and time again, I have been told by family members, friends, strangers, and even myself at times, that you can’t chase relationships, you can’t chase partners, that you have to learn to be happy with yourself and that when the time is right “it will happen on its own.” My first response to that as I’m writing this is: if everyone is being happy by themselves, not looking for relationships or happiness with another person wouldn’t it be the case that everyone would end up alone?

Really, I’m just upset and frustrated with my love life. Its been a little over a year now of being single, and as much as things carried on afterward with me and my Queen, it truly has been over a year since I was in a relationship. That’s not to say that this past year has been miserable and that I haven’t had any bright spots to speak of. Meeting my Muse was one of the greatest events of my life to date as I had never met anyone quite like her before. I’ve become closer with my brother than ever before and watching my niece slowly grow up is just so wonderful, I really can’t wait till I get to feel like my brother looks when he talks about her.

But like I said, its been over a year now since I was in a real relationship. I wonder some days if I’m merely idealizing the past, forgetting how unhappy I was at times with my Queen and how things weren’t working like I wanted them to be. But I think that despite things being so terrible at times for myself, we were almost always able to talk about them and work through our issues. Even when she ended our relationship, it happened through and honest discussion of how we were feeling, and in the end she did what she thought was best for the both of us at that time, and while I don’t really know how I feel about that, most of the time I think she probably did.

Its funny though, after a year of growing, learning and maturing, despite her telling me that I didn’t do anything wrong, that I was a good boyfriend, I think that now I could do all things that I couldn’t before. I really think that if we were to try again, that it would be even better than before. I’ve grown so much as an individual and learned what it means to be a equal partner and I’ve learned that if I want things to change I have to be willing to confront those issues and discuss them with the persons that they concern. I really want to tell my Queen just how much better I could be for her, how much more I could give her. Unfortunately for me, that isn’t or I’m not what she wants right now in her life, and to truly be the nice guy she sees me as, I’ve really got to respect her decision and just stay away.

Its been three days now since I talked with the Phoenix about what was going on between us. She gave me the exact answer I thought she would and exactly the one I didn’t want to hear. Like I thought, she told me that she is just they type of person to be affectionate, and that because she trusts me so much, she feels comfortable being like that with, knowing that I won’t take it any further. She told me that despite our overt connection and a curiosity to see what can come of our interaction together she wants to see things through with her current partner.

Part of me is glad she said that, because it means that she has enough respect for her partner to not flippantly throw it away for some unknown, tempting as I might be. Nevertheless, the other part of me is hurt, heartbroken once again. I was trying so hard to lie to myself that I wasn’t growing attached to her, that I wasn’t falling for her, that I really didn’t care how it turned out in the end. It seems however that I’m sticking to my pattern of falling for girls I know I can’t have. As much as people will say that I had my Queen, for a whole three and half years, part of me thinks that I never really had her like she had me. The Phoenix therefore represents the third girl that I’ve fallen for, and would have been the third girl I was willing to give myself completely over to. Some people might say that I shouldn’t do that, but I say that if I don’t then how will they be willing to do so for me. Someone has to take the first step, and in love I will always be willing to take that first step.

It appears as if third time wasn’t the charm this go around, so I’ve just got to keep my head up I suppose and move forward with the hope that one day one of these girls is going to take what I’m offering and offer me something similar in return.

On the Subject of Power and Authority

I do not even really know where to start with this one. I have never had this type of moment in my life before and I am still at a loss of words to really truly describe what happened, but here goes.

My roommate Chris is one the nicest guys I have met to date. He is so friendly, thoughtful, patient, out going and fairly accepting of people and their faults and quirks. For only being 19, he is unbelievably grounded, level headed and so focused on what he wants out of life. He also happens to be Christian, and become one of his own choosing recently, which I have the up most respect for.

Chris never talks about his beliefs in an overt way; never does he say that you should do something because the Bible says so, or because its what Jesus would have done. Chris really just tries to offer his own advice on a situation in a way that is constructive to the person he’s talking to. If you do ask him about his religion, he is so calm and passive about it. He simply answers the questions you ask of him, and explains why he believes what he does. Over the months, I have become closer with him as he is the other male in the house that I have bonded with. He loves music, and has been so stoked to be sharing his passions with me and mine with him. We have many great discussions on music, bands and shows that he has seen.

The more we talked, hung out and got to know each other, I discovered that many of his personal beliefs were very similar to mine, with mine being mostly secular versions of what he believes in, or just a version that doesn’t necessarily recognize God as the reason behind it.

I have never really believed or disbelieved in God, Jesus, or religion in general. I was not raised to believe in anything other than what my parents taught me. What I was taught was to be good, respect your parents, be nice to others, share, etc, what I consider the basics for any good upbringing. As I grew up these ideas developed into more complex versions of themselves, and taking the example from my father, I developed a desire or understanding that I would give myself over complete to others in my life that were important to me.

So, as I explained earlier, Chris and me have been getting closer and talking increasingly. He invited me out to his church service for Thursday evening as Tony Campolo was guest speaking and he thought that I’d like to come regardless, and I had mentioned a desire to come out to his church as they always have live music and Chris plays every once in awhile.

What happened at the service, as I mentioned earlier, I lack the words to properly describe my experience. Mr. Campolo’s sermon was extensive and touched on many issues some of which I found very compelling and others that I really did not care for. However, there was something that moved me that night, in a way that I do not think I have ever been moved before.

Power and Authority and what the difference means. He explained that many people have power, hold power, exercise power and attempt to change things through this power. However, Jesus did not believe in this “power”, the power of politics and persuasion. Jesus rejected these temptations and chose to change the world through the power of sacrificial love. Jesus gave himself to the people, worked with the poor, the sick and the forgotten. All Jesus did was love those around them and attempt to better their lives for that sake alone.

Mr. Campolo explained that Martin Luther King did not have power, he did not command armies, that Mother Teresa and Gandhi did not have power, political or otherwise, but because they practiced sacrificial love, they had authority. They changed the world in ways that no one else could or has, and it is because they command the respect of people, that people will choose to follow their actions, not out of fear but because they desire to do so.

Hearing this, I was simply overwhelmed. This concept, this explanation of the difference between power and authority changed everything I had every thought of both of these terms.

It was in that moment that a thought occurred to me. Perhaps that was why I was put on this earth, why I have always felt so different from other people, why I cannot really understand why people do not think as I do about certain things. I have always wondered why I have always so readily and willingly chosen to give myself away to those around me. Maybe I was put here to practice what Jesus was trying to teach the world.
Maybe my gift from God is the love I have to give to those around me.

As Mr. Compolo explained to us, we are all going to die, this is fact. When we are born, we are crying and everyone around us is happy, and filled with joy. Nevertheless, when you die, will it be the case that you are the happy one, the one filled with joy, and those gathered around you when you are dead are the ones who are sad. What will they have to say about you, how will you have enriched their lives and made they happy?

When the service ended and people began filling out, all I could do was sit there, mystified. Chris asked me what I thought and all I could do is look at him and quietly explain that I had no words for what I was feeling. Chris just looked at me, and asked if he could pray for me. I had never been asked this before and again just quietly replied yes and bowed my head with him. With his arm around my shoulder, Chris began to pray for me, asking God to be my guide, to help me through my problems and to be there for me in my times of need.

In this moment, all I could do was cry. They weren’t tears of sadness, or sorrow or joy, rather I think I was just so overwhelmed by what I had just heard, the thought that there was so much love out there for me, from Chris, from God, and that I could do so much for those in my life, I just started to cry.

As I said, I cannot properly explain what I felt, what I am feeling, or how I feel about any of this. This is merely an attempt to get some of my thoughts out onto paper, to clear my mind so I can process more adeptly what I’m experiencing right now.

What I can say is that I am choosing not to be selfish. I have a gift, an ability a desire, whatever you want to call it, to love and care for others. I think I finally have a reason to give myself to others now or perhaps more accurately a reason for why I was doing it in the first place.

On the Subject of Beds and Friends

I’ve met someone new, a wonderfully interesting and stunning young women, my Phoenix.

Our first meeting was quite serendipitous. On my first night back home, after having a dinner out with my housemates, we decided to stop in at our local Starbucks for tea and coffee before we turned in for the rest of the evening. She was our server, or rather our “barista” and after everyone else had ordered I was stuck by her charm and overwhelming friendliness, and luckily for me, she just so happened to be a co-worker of my roommates.

I was so entranced by her charm and personality I felt compelled to say hi and with a prompt from my roommate that she was a big Battlestar Galactica fan, we were able quickly proclaim to each other how excited we were for the new episode that was coming out in a few weeks. After that, I invited her to our house party and left.

Unfortunately, she was unable to make it out to our party, but quickly apologized to me later the next day for doing so. My roommate remarked on this as rather interesting due to our very brief encounter, having only just met me, while she had known my roommate for quite sometime.

The following week I had her and another friend over to our house for the premier of the newest Battlestar Galactica episode. The Phoenix showed up earlier that I expected and my worrying about what we would talk about was quickly laid to rest as we ended up talking non-stop before, during and after the show, agreeing on everything from sci-fi, TV, music and other random things. The following morning, my housemates were quite amused by our interaction from the previous night, remarking on how cute we were together.

At this point, I was quickly becoming very interested in her as we had bonded quicker that I do with most people, reminding me of my Muse. However, I had to restrain myself from explain to The Phoenix how I was beginning to feel as during that week she had recently began a new relationship with another young man. I will admit that I was disappointed by this development, but I more just happy to have a new friend that I had so much in common, who was so invigorating to have around.

Nevertheless, this is not quite the end of the story for there were things that happened then and over the next week which have given rise to some discussion of her intentions with me between me and my housemates.

At the BSG night, she happened to miss her bus, leaving her stranded in our neighborhood. I was quick to offer her a place to stay for the evening as we have a very liberal open door policy at our house. She graciously accepted and spent the night on one of our many couches upstairs. The following morning, when I finally made my way upstairs, I was warmly greeted by her and was treated to a wonderfully enlighten conversation about herself, a sort of back story to her life. Following that she quickly asked me if I would enjoy spending the afternoon with her, and a friend of hers, before she went to work later that afternoon. We spent the afternoon outside in the sunshine and continued on bonded and further enjoying the pleasure of each others company. At the end of the afternoon, she grabbed my number and I told her to give me a call if she wanted to hang out again.

That was Saturday afternoon.

Monday night, coming home from a dinner with my two female housemates, I got a phone call from The Phoenix unexpectedly. She proceeded to explain how she was out with a bunch of people, playing pool. As she explained, she has become bored and had decided to call me to see how I was doing. Again, after we talked for a short while, I told her to give me a call if she wanted to hang out, and invited her over for BSG again.

Following a dinner out with my two female roommates on the following Thursday evening, The Phoenix had seen me walking downtown and quickly proceeded to call me. She explained that her plans for the evening had fallen through, and was calling to see if she and her two friends could come hang out with myself. I was more than happy to aqueous her request and invited herself and her two friends over to our place for the evening.

Following some drinks and a chorus of laughter at one of my favorite movies, Superbad, the girls explained to me that they were itching for an adventure. I suggested that we bundle up, head over to the local park, and start out from there. So we moseyed on our way eventually and just wandered rather randomly smoking bowls as we went.

After a few hours of adventuring we wound up back at my house and all decided to rest up for the night. So The Phoenix’s two friends made their way upstairs while she chose to stayed in my room to hang out. We then hopped into bed and threw on the first season of The Office and watched that till around 4am, all the while getting too close to each other, snuggling, with our legs flopping over each others.

At 4am, The Phoenix was possessed with the desire for an ice cream sandwich and having such a hard time saying no to girls out we went, and to my surprise, it turned out to be rather delicious jaunt. We returned to my room shortly before 5am, crawled into bed together, laugh and joked around for a bit, tickling and horsing around before we feel asleep. During all this though, there was a moment where I was jokingly explaining to her that I was going to get her back for our small sparing match. It was then that she got this very calm look on her face, a look in her eyes that was saying something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, and proceeded to tell me that she was just “waiting” for me to do whatever I had planned.

We talked a bit more, and eventually just lied down next to each other, curled up in blankets, and passed out until the following morning. Friday night happened very similarly, albeit without that look in her eye, but again she slept in my bed for the night, and was being more affectionate than most girls are period, and even more so ones with boyfriends.
As it stands, and as she told me, she has explained to her boyfriend that he can’t be jealous as most of her friends are male. I chose not to push that statement any further, but from what I can sense, I don’t think she’s necessarily told her partner that she’s been sleeping in another young man’s bed for the previous few evenings.

When I asked her about that, she explained that she feels very confident in her ability to read people and she quickly decided that I was a person that she could trust to treat her with respect and to understand that she had a boyfriend and that I would not try to interfere with that.

So that’s what we’ve talked about, I did explain to her that while I enjoyed having her stay the night with me, that it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to resist the temptation of having her in my bed, but that I wouldn’t do anything about unless she was single.

But with all signs pointing towards a continuation of things as they have happened so far, I wonder how things will play out between us.

No Use for a Name

This will be the fourth time I’ve tried to tackle this thought, feeling, idea, and the amount of emotion change I’ve gone through since I first started it about a month ago, and more importantly in the last five days has been very akin to the most intense roller coaster you could think of.

January 15th is for a lack of a better word or title for it, marks the first complete year of singledom. And while I hate the idea that I made that day into a dark anniversary I couldn’t help but think back on what had transpired over the year and all the things that led up to that day.

Upon writing this, three days after the 15th I’m right back where I was before this week started. I’m feeling strong, I’m feeling confident, I’m feeling like I’ve got something to hide again, I think I might have gotten my mystery back.

That being said, I think I need to pay respect to all that I’ve felt and discovered in the last few days.

Firstly, allot can happen in a year. So much has happened when I think about it, and there are some days when I wonder how I’ve made it to this point in one piece, and there was a moment during the recent trip down memory lane where I felt that darkness again. In a year I’ve met a slew of new people, had some interesting new experiences and made a fair amount of money.

I’ve had my heart broken again and again, and again. I’ve seen and been with the good, the bad and the ugly. And those experiences taught me more about relationships, women and what I want from my partners than almost all of my time with my Queen.

But it scares me that in a year of being single, of being hurt by hurt constantly, of trying to be friends, of trying to be more than friends but less than together, despite everything, my feelings have not changed. I still miss as much today as I did a year ago; that as much as things have changed between us, between me and friends, and family and life, that I still feel and care for her in the exact same way. I wonder if I’m ever going to stop loving her.

However, something I have discovered is that my love is not completely tied to her. In all of this heartbreak and torture I found someone out there that cared. I found someone that I cared for in a way similar to my Queen and totally different at the same time. I discovered that I could love outside of my feelings for her and that I could still feel that way, but at the same time feel strongly about someone else.

A good friend let me in on a secret about myself that I didn’t know at the time. She explained that as hard as I try to tell her how I feel, how I sad I am without her, how angry I get without her, how she hurt me and how it pains me to see her be so ok with how things have played out, hoping that she’ll feel bad, take pity on me, or just wake up and realize what she could have with me, and don’t, then all I’ll have done, is allowed her to hurt me again.

It was from this conversation that I realized that I had control of things, that I could stop things her from hurting me. All I have to do is not put myself in those situations, to not give her the power to hurt me, to give her want she wants and receive nothing in return. And coming back here, having her call me and telling her to make plans, has worked so well. That was until she made plans with me.

So this is where I sit. It’s 2:30am, Sunday morning, having replied to her request with a ambiguous yes, leaving it up to her once again to arrange the meeting, and being so confused and worried about what will transpire. Coffee before class is one thing, but a movie night for just the two of us, this sudden burst of contact and request has me reeling.

How to play this? Do I give in to temptation and see her and hope for the best? Do I play things cool and play it off like I could care less? Do I try manipulate the evening so that we’ll be presented with a choice to do something physical? Do I use my new found confidence to lay down the law; to explain that I don’t need her, that I’m creating a new life without her and explain to her that I want to start from scratch with and offer her a new relationship with the new me? Or do I do nothing, and suffer in painful silence?

I just don’t know, because I don’t know what I want anymore. I know I want to be with her again, to feel her skin against mine, to see her smile that smile, to feel safe in bed again. But can I get that from her now, can she been what she use to be for me, could this new version of herself make me feel the way she use to make me feel?

I think I just want to know, one way or another, I want to know if we were reunited that it could be better than before or if we can’t make each other happy anymore.

Maybe I just to know if what I feel is real, if I’m right about her being the one. Maybe I just want to know if she is truly my everything.

On The Subject of Tests

Nothing worth having is ever easy, or so the saying goes. 10 days into 2009 and I was flying high. We hosted our dress up party at our house, and things couldn’t have gone any smoother. We all drank, danced laughed and were merry. I kept my promise to myself and made the effort to talk, interact and enjoy the company of those around me. And while the night had a few hiccups along the way, everything went better than we could have hopped for.

Waking up the next morning, I went upstairs to eat and start the clean up. It was quite, no one else was up yet, and as I was sitting there eating my bagel I started to smile. I had no idea what was going on, I was suddenly filled head to toe with this warm content feeling. I thought back on the previous night and the week lead and then I realized what I was feeling; happy.

I find it exceedingly appropriate though that the moment I start feeling this way, something would come along and serious test my ability to hold on to that feeling. For better or for worse, it has come back to my Queen. As I mentioned before, she and I will apparently be bumping into each other during school, with our classes located side by side, and after the first time it happened, with me obviously attempting to hide and thus drawing all attention to myself she called me and suggested that we take this opportunity to see each other sometime soon and catch up. I told her to contact me when she wanted to see me, putting the ball strictly in her possession allowing me to stay away from inciting any new contact.

So obviously she has been on my mind because of this, and after taking with my Muse in person about my Queen again, I had a chance to really reflect on some things that I hadn’t thought about for some time. As faith would have it, with my Uncles in town they just so happened to bump into her at her work. They chatted, and I’m sure she was very happy to see them again, and both my Uncles commented on how well she looked, and how different she was since last they saw her. Sitting there at breakfast with them I wanted to yell. I really don’t need people telling me how good she looks now, her image is firmly burned into my mind’s eye already and I really don’t need any more reminders of what I don’t have.

As I said, she has been on my mind this weekend more than she has in a good few weeks. The way I left things with her before the holidays, was as perfect as I was probably going to get with her and me. If that was to be the last time we ever spoke or saw each other, I could be fairly content with that; if the last thing I ever did for her was make her smile like that, then I could be happy for that.

That being said, my apprehension of talking to her, possibly seeing her again, is quite understandable. And with this week in mind, I will be tested more than I have been in quite sometime. So far, I’m not losing the battle. Saturday night was the beginning of things. That slow, creeping malaise of depression began to creep under my door and fill my room. Only this time I realized what was happening, I understood what I was feeling and why. But instead of simply letting it wash over me, allowing myself to wallow, I got angry. I decided to be different, to try and do something about, and not simple lay down and allow myself to be sad. I respected what I was feeling, and let myself feel those thoughts and feelings, but this time chose to move past that, to move forward and attempt to feel something else.

Sunday night was another test of my new incarnation. I was getting ready to walk to the store with a housemate only to realize that I had lost my wallet at some point during the morning. Contained within it is everything that identifies myself as me. Realizing what had happened, I broke. I fell to my knees in my room begging to cry, but unable to once again. In this state I was quickly forced to think about my Queen, wishing to reach out to her for that comfort that she once was able to give me. Fearing what that would do to me if I did, I collapsed into my bed.

Half sleeping, half dreaming, I thought to myself once again about what was going on. I could allow this to break all that I had built to date from the new year. I could give into temptation and reach out to her and get that quick fix, the fleeting high, or I could do something different. I could deal with this like an adult, allow myself to respect what I’m feeling but to do something productive about it, attempt to make it better.

So this is me refusing to take things lying down anymore, this is me choosing to be anything other than sad, this is me fighting back against the current.

So far, so good…